Five Minute Friday: Exhale

I’ve been holding my breath for 3 years. Ever since the word autism came in to my life.

On edge.

Tense.

Fearful.

Afraid of the next meltdown or situation I couldn’t control. Explanations are worth nothing. Rationale meaningless. Words come as¬†little comfort. The meltdown isn’t about words. It’s about action. Change the situation. Leave. Run. The noise hurts. The crowd’s too big. The pants don’t fit right.

It wasn’t until dinner about three weeks ago that I finally exhaled. I sat teetered on the edge of my chair like a cat poised for action. Waiting for the next request or spilled cup of milk. I realized I never allowed myself to fully sit on my chair with my back against the backrest. The next request could be any minute, so why bother settling in?

But on that day, I allowed myself to sit. And enjoy my dinner. With my back against the chair.

Because the next meltdown or spilled cup of milk is going to happen whether I am comfortable in my chair or not.

So why not enjoy it while I can and exhale? 

Stop.

This post was written in response to Lisa-Jo Baker’s “Five Minute Friday” writing prompt: exhale. I had to write everything I could in five minutes. Please excuse typos, grammatical errors and general nonsense. I am a writer. I am never perfect.

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