A soft place to land or a hard place to live?

Home is really hard for Finn.

Those are six of the most heartbreaking and truthful words I have had to write.

Finn’s not like other kids. That goes without saying. And it’s not like he doesn’t like home or even find comfort from home, but home, for Finn, is like sitting in front of a high speed fan on a hot day. At first, it feels good and it’s comforting, but eventually it gets really annoying.

The part that’s really hard for me, besides all the chaos that Finn having a hard time at home brings, is the fact that Finn doesn’t have ANY trouble at school. He’s a completely different kid. He’s jovial and affable. He’s compliant and ingratiating. His teacher claims to almost never have to redirect him beyond what is age-appropriate for a 2nd grader. It blows my mind. Because, at home, I have to ask him no less than ten times to stop wrestling his brother and get dressed. And I can’t even tell you how many times (an hour) he gets in trouble for growling at the twins or just plain making them cry for no reason. He won’t share. He’s totally rigid and unrelenting.

Now, I know the me-of-3-years-ago would have given my left arm to have Finn where he is at school. He is a serious rock star. He has friends. He’s on grade level (or above) academically. It is picture perfect. For real. I’m not bragging. I’m, as Momastery would say, wearing my perspectacles. Only someone who has walked in my shoes can have the clarity, perspective and gratitude for these gifts as I see them. And I know they are gifts.

It’s just that I thought that as Finn got better at school, he would also get better at home, but that just isn’t the case. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Some mornings he just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. At 5:30. And screams.

And some days, despite having created a schedule for him and “steam rolling” him with the exercise ball, he still throws himself on the ground when we tell him his (scheduled) Wii time is over.

And I get that transitions (even scheduled ones) are hard, but he would NEVER do that at school. In fact, if a friend from the neighborhood walked in our house while he were throwing a fit on the floor, he would stop– immediately. I’ve seen it happen.

So where does that leave me? Being played? Almost positively, absolutely. But it doesn’t change the fact that my boy hates being home and he’s making it miserable for the rest of us.

I’ve tried everything– positive behavior supports (or as we seasoned parents call them “token reward systems”), schedules, social stories, at-home ABA therapy, pragmatic speech therapy, OT exercises, “if / then” statements, clearly stated rules and expectations, ignoring the negative behaviors, punishment… you name it, I’ve tried it.

I am at a loss for where to go from here.